This is at least the fourth time that I attempt to write a blog post about my “recent” birthday and what it meant to me. At first, I was determined to make it something witty and lighthearted. But every time I sat in front of my laptop my mood was completely different, and hence so were the words that emanated from my typing fingers. This fact itself is a pretty accurate reflection of how this past year has been: full of change, uncertain, painful but enlightening, multifaceted. And I think that is fair and honest enough.
I guess in a more slow-burning way my life has chronically been this way for the longest time anyway. Ever since I moved out when I was 17, I've been sure about the few non-negotiable things that I want and need in my life, as well as who I want and need to be for others. But the “when” and “where” have always been two gigantic question marks casting a shadow over everything that I have, with the best of intentions and goodwill, done so far. At times exciting, at times discouraging, Home has been a very fluid concept, increasingly so, as I strive to create one of my own – to find my own place in the world.
This past year, in particular, has been a determining and decisive one. I've made some choices and taken certain chances that I just know will just inevitably shape the rest of my life in a more drastic, tangible way than others –a year where I've experienced things that are and will transform ME in notorious, substantial ways. Overall, the average way I feel about all these upcoming changes is excited and hopeful. But there's also a degree of real fear there that I need to confront as well.
I don't know for sure everything that is coming hand in hand with this rough picture that I've painted in my head at deciding to leave the life I've known for the past 11 years in order to arm myself with the best tools possible to reach that place that I described above, but I do know what I am giving up in order get there. Certainty, familiarity, comfort.
I do not know who I will become in the end, but I know which parts of me I am shedding already, and I can see that every day now more than ever before. Thus, at this point, all I can do is have faith and trust: trust in that not only do I know what I want, what is good and right for me, but in that the decisions I am making are the ones that will lead me there. Trust and faith in that my integrity and values will be strong enough to push me just to the right space, without actually tipping me over an edge. Trust in that whatever gut feeling I had when I did the things I did, said the things I said and took the turns I took was, in fact, one of those rare flashes of complete mental clarity that leads to the right choice in the toughest of circumstances.
If only I didn't like a good adventure and challenge so damn much it would be easier for me to discern… Only this time somehow, I just know. Oh man, and with this thirst and curiosity and passion, how ready I am to face just about anything.
