The phone rang non-stop last night. At one point, three uninterrupted stroke and reanimation alarms coming through at once made it impossible for us to get their respective triage informations from the emergency department. For the millionth time, after almost 12 hours and getting into bed no earlier than midnight, I was exhausted. But despite everything, last night's late shift felt different… because I knew it was going to be my last.
After my goodbye round today, filled with smiles, warm hugs and kind words from colleagues and MTRAs alike, I feel thankful and hopeful, but also relieved. Disillusionment doesn't come from workload alone. It happens due to a lack of control, recognition, and fairness. It occurs when scrutinized, disregarded, misled, or expected to systematically act against one's own principles and better judgment—and from being punished for attempting not to. Over time, accepting these dynamics in the professional realm comes at the risk of losing one's peace, sense of direction, and sense of self in the personal one.
These past few years have been of maturation. They have been painfully eye-opening and saddening in some ways, but also an opportunity to reaffirm values and convictions, challenge detrimental beliefs, and solidify my core. Ironically, for such a fundamentally selfless profession, there is definitely too much ego in medicine. And it's well-known that a significant number of people in leadership positions have a good amount of specific maladaptive personality traits in common. Combine that with questionable profit-driven institutional priorities, and you'll create moral decadence. Not losing sight of one's own values and goals becomes increasingly difficult in such an environment. And even though maintaining a sense of self might require challenging the status quo, creating friction, or even taking a leap of faith into the unknown, I continue to find it crucial.
Thankfully, I can say I am proud of my progress and accomplishments during this time. I am proud of the impact my sleepless nights and tears have hopefully had on my patients. And especially, I am proud that I continue to derive the most genuine pleasure from their thankfulness and appreciation at being treated with deference, dignity, and warmth over anything else.
And I am also hopeful—thanks to the beautiful souls I have met on this journey. Those who uphold their principles. Those who continue to feel appalled and indignant at what's wrong, with consistency, conviction and unwavering integrity. Without cynical justification, rationalization, or acceptance of the status quo. Those who, by refusing to become intimidated by darkness, shine a light on everything that's dishonest, broken, and corrupt, fueling my own determination, values, and vision. The perceptive, patient, sensitive ones with self-respect and confidence who see beyond the surface of situations and people, including my own, in all the right, supportive ways.
And lastly, I am a bit daunted. My upcoming more senior role somewhere new and wholesome carries more responsibility tied to higher expectations. Such an opportunity, though no doubt an exciting upgrade, intimidates me in that particular way that past negative experiences tend to exacerbate. Still, I can feel a sense of resilience taking over and allowing my bubbly self to resurface, and that, I also feel relieved and confident about.
