Locked down, locked in

Locked down, locked in Staying positive is not easy under these circumstances. I enjoy being alone as a general, voluntary concept, but having no choice but to forcefully experience solitude to this extreme, in ways I have never before, is a different thing. I do feel the psychological effects of reduced social interaction, most of the remaining taking place in the context of work. I don´t enjoy the notion of feeling trapped here, of not having access to my family. I also don´t really like the prospect of potentially having to give up my holiday, the highlight of my year: the one time I feel completely free to unfold, connect, experience and absorb the world in a soul-elevating kind of way for a sustained period of time. But it is easy to dwell in the negative, it is easy to keep all this in the front of my mind. After all, just as Gustavo Adolfo Becquer said – and I love Becquer– loneliness is a beautiful thing, as long as you can share it with someone. What´s hard is to keep somewhat positive throughout it all and see the silver lining. In an effort to exercise that vision, these are the things I could come up with:

• No FOMO. Having no special plans on a beautiful day or engaging in introverted activities that I love doesn´t automatically lead to feeling like I´m wasting my time away or not making the most put of the sun, since there is literally no friends or social plans to engage with/in.

• It´s never been easier to become aware of how precious certain everyday things and rights I have ALWAYS taken for granted actually are: freedom, mobility, physical connection.

• I get to eat better since I have time to cook and actually think about my dietary choices much more consciously.

• The weather outside IS amazing these days. Sunny days are always a plus, no matter what.

• Everyone I love is ok.

• I have the security of knowing I am not going to lose my job.

• Through my job, I can actually do something meaningful and purposeful for/against this crisis by just showing up and working, and I even get payed for it.

• Also because of my job, I get to experience this crazy crisis first hand in the purest of the senses. I get to actually SEE the literal core of it all: what this disease actually does to the lungs! Objectively speaking, although not easy, it really is kind of exciting.

• Every day my motivation to hit the gym hard when this is all over grows a bit more (not that I have trouble in that regard), but dreaming about the day I´ll be able to return to my weights is turning into a pleasurable fantasy of mine.

• I have Popcorn. I get to spend more time with her and take care of her more consciously. I am able to let her out for longer every day and so, hopefully contribute to making her short life (2-3 years) a bit better.

• I do have all the obvious “look at the bright side” basics: food, shelter, health.

• It´s very easy to strike up a conversation with strangers. There´s something to talk about right away.

• I get to do skype with people I wouldn’t normally have that kind of “close” interaction with.

• Many restaurants that I like now have home delivery service.

• I am spending less money than I normally would, I get to save without even trying.

• I get to keep my environment tidy.

• On home office days, I get to go on walks or mini-hikes through nature in the middle of the week, on empty paths surrounded by only the sound of chirping birds.

• I have home office days.

• I get to go out in the first place! Which in Spain is not even possible anymore.

• Not much I can do about feeling trapped, but there´s way worse places to be trapped in than the Black Forest.

Orchids and Categories

We live for meaning. Meaning itself is the meaning of (rational) life.

I become increasingly aware of it the more of it I find; the more I learn, the more I see, the more complex the world becomes around me as the mysteries of its intricate mechanisms and structures are revealed to my conscious mind, or at least partially exposed. I can be deeply moved to a ground-breaking, soul-shaking degree through any of my senses by a variety of catalysators. Cliché alert, but a certain musical piece —maybe even specifically one part in particular of a certain musical piece— CAN elevate my spirit to the stratosphere; a nice painting is not just pleasant if the way the light is captured and presented filters, portrays and enhances the very elements that shape its obvious and universal appeal in the real, natural world. Such a thing can leave me longingly staring at it for a long time. But strangely enough, such relatively relatable and obvious subjects don’t hold that attention-grabbing ability from my very core exclusively. Taken to the countryside, chances are I‘ll stare at a cow for the same amount of time, if not longer. What are the odds of that exact combination of physical attributes being put together over millions of years to produce that exact result. What features of its anatomy and behavior can be explained by which evolutive pressures and incentives. How does she perceive reality. To what extent is the fashion and intensity of the subjective reality of pain produced and transmitted by her peripheral nerve endings comparable to humans’, to what extent does it differ. In this sense, how does she see in the broadest sense possible. What is she seeing now. What´s the nearest she is able to accommodate to still get a sharp macular focal point. Is she even able to accommodate. Look at those eyes, by the way, they can make anyone’s heart melt. Why would and should a human experience such feelings of tenderness towards a cow. And so on. And finally, I get so pleasantly flustered and overjoyed by deeply engaging and challenging conversation with an uninterrupted, dynamic flow of interconnecting ideas with the potential to be dissected exponentially into infinity. This phenomenon constitutes jet another cliché as I suppose it is what’s most commonly referred to as “human connection”. For me, it immediately translates into higher respect and warm appreciation towards the holder of that interactive capacity. Added into the equation the variable of gender, when female it’ll additionally enhance a feeling of sororal fondness, when male that of enthralling attraction. Thus, to me, almost everything with soul-touching potential falls into one of three categories: natural phenomena, human artistic creation and “human connection”. In just one day, I´ve had the privilege of experiencing all those four forms and sub-forms of exhilarating sensory overload, leaving me completely short-term hypnotized and mid-term inspired, but also somewhat mentally inebriated. I feel very much alive and in this state of gripping intoxication everything seems both completely pointless and intangibly transcendental at the same time.